A month ago I took Katherine to a swimming lesson. This is at the pool where she and Nicholas have taken lessons before and where he swam while attending daycare and preschool. As I walked into the pool area, tears filled in my eyes. I felt sadness that such everyday things have been taken from him - things like preschool and the routine of playing and swimming with friends. It felt surreal that on the one hand life goes on, we learn and grow and laugh and cry. On the other hand, life seems to stand still. Vacations, dates, planning, dreaming, those all seem to be "to-do" items for the future. I feel paralyzed at times, because the present revolves around the battle for Nick's life.
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Hot tubbing in Indy, February 19, 2010
Another day when I teared up as the kids did the mundane. |
Life happens. Sunday we were all restless and anxious. So ... we went to the pool. Thank you, Trevor, for the idea. At first Nick didn't want to go. In the end he was not only excited, but wanted to wear his trunks and "swim shoes" in the car.
I thought he might feel self-conscious about wearing no shirt - he still anxiously asks us not to touch his port when we dress him in the morning and evening. Well, a huge smile spread across my face when he and Trevor came out of the locker room. Nicholas gleefully strode toward the pool with no thought whatsoever of his exposed port! The kids got into the "baby" pool and began to play, just as they used to last year, before Diagnosis-Day, before D-Day. Tears of joy and hope sprang to my eyes.
With patience, strength, and hope, we will once again do things that feel unattainable at this point. I see that we CAN do things NOW. It can be difficult, ugly, painful, and frightening. Life is tough right now. It is. But we are doing it.
We are living.
We are smiling.
We are winning.
2 comments:
Okay. Now tears are streaming down my face. Yes, sister. Yes. You are winning. Keep up the good fight!
You all are winners. I hope you all can feel the love coming your way from many places.
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